Dark Gatekeeper's Files

Season Ender...

2005-06-14T17:28:00.000+08:00

Well... I just do hope this season ender will be the most beautiful chapter that I have here on this account... I do hope so... I will not be posting this anytime soon or I may not post it - that would depend on the result of my application for a promotion...

For the past months, my experience in this account is somewhat like a telenovela - not because it caused a lot of heartaches and frustration, but it made my life a little bit kind of interesting... Anyway... looking at the past, I'd like to make some notations or I'd like to mention some people who had made my life in this account colorful... I will not use their real names to protect their identities, but will try to give them a kind of commendation... Anyway here goes... they will be mentioned in the order of their appearance in my "show..."

Special Appearances

Stan - He was the person who gave me my intial interview... still very much active here as an HR assistant - without you dude, who let me passed on the initial interview, I may just be one of the people who is still looking at the pages of the classified ads section of a newspaper.

Claus - Great dude, great mind - one of the icons of our company. Actually, 50 - 75 percent of the people in the company had undergone training under him.

Rad, Lizzy, Free-Willy, and Sherry - The big four... kind of sad because one of our trainers have returned to her country months ago... The big four trainers never gave us an easy time - coz they believe we are one of the best and should deserve the best account training an employee should experience... The other three (Rad, Free-Willy and Sherry) are still pretty much busy holding trainings to our account...

Main Casts

Jose - Once a good friend - still considered as a friend... a part of me still feels the pain after the much "talked about" love triangle... I respect whatever they have told me and it's none of my bussiness to pursue what is the status of their relationship - whether they are related romantically or if they are just friends... it's for them to keep and not for me to know... To be honest, this guy is a great friend... and will always be...

Bo - When I was still a trainee, when I would still spend my Sunday afternoons to do some "hands-on," this great supervisor would teach me some neat tricks - from troubleshooting some certain softwares to updating me with the client's updates... up to now, this mild mannered supervisor is always behind my back, supporting me in every decision that I make here at work...

Francis - The first time that we've met, he was just one of the mentors during our training... when I entered the work "arena" he is one of the recently promoted supervisors in our account... Considered as the "kuya" here at work, employees under him doesn't have any hard time approaching him and telling him their concerns - be it work or personal...

Nix - Nice looks, great mind and a great friend... This pretty girl is one of the reasons that made my stay here in this account to be bearable - she and her boyfriend are always there whenever I need some people to share my frustrations and heartaches... Nix has been one of my batchmates - and I have seen her from her heartbreaks from her asshole exboyfriend to her happy and successful lovelife...

Erwin - Nix's better half... a cool dude with a cool attitude... the right person to talk to when you need to channel negative perceptions to positive one... He's been my partner in crime in discussing the cynisms in our lives, work and faith... the good thing about this dude is you'll never end feeling negative but you'll have a second thought and reconsider your perception - which usually ends in a positive note...

Donnie - Small world! This supervisor has been my school mate in highschool - I was his senior during his freshman year... to add the surprise to my shock and awe - he turns out to be the cousin of my classmate in third and fourth year classes... small world indeed...

Lenny - The girl who stole my heart... the girl who made me cry... the girl who made my world go upside down... made me shake and weak and be strong at the same time... I fell head over heels for this girl - It was a pity for me that she never saw how sincere my feelings are for her - she just see it as a simple crush - we never had any closure about what had happened to us... we've been placed on a situation that the three of us (Me, Jose and Lenny) are being talked behind our backs... All that we have to do is to let the "scandal" die... the "scandal" died but left an enormous scar on our friendship and on my heart...

Mylene - the female version of Erwin - this "hot" momma is one of the people who I would like to talk my angst and funny moments here at work - a sweet person, a good confidant, and a very intelligent person...

Walden - He is the DAD... Known to all of us a well mannered, soft-spoken, and kind supervisor... best word to describe him - he's our DAD...

Jazz - I thought he was a supervisor when I first met him - seemed to be that looks can be deceiving - he is a fun-loving, music lovin' individual hyperactive individual (except for his alter ego - the silent, serious type, irrate individual when he's not in the mood)... This dude has been a good friend here at the floor...

Jean - Others who don't know her may perceive her to be a snob - but this supervisor may even surprise you once you get to know her personally... She may be strict but she is a kind and funny friend... Jean by the way is the girlfriend of Jazz.

Trinity - The best person to talk to in regards with your sentiments while the two of you are smoking... my best friend... there are no words that would best describe her...

Lady Tiger - I spent 4 mos with under her supervision in the much talked about special course in our company... She was my mentor, confidant, friend and career counselor during my stay with her... she is often mistaken as a snob or strict but she is not... Good leader.... =)

Cat's Life - Funny thing about this guy is his sarcasm and his cynical wisdom in life. When you got to talk with this guy, you don't get depressed but instead gets enlightended... strange huh?

Chris - Another person who is not afraid in giving his opinions... Great person to discuss things with, whether it is a serious matter or strange or crazy ideas...

Hummings and Echos - she was my classmate or teammate under Lady Tiger. A great friend, sweet girl with a very sweet smile... but careful with her, this girl can kick ass...

To all people who have shared my pains, success, funny moments and embarassing experiences, whom I wish I could include here but cannot since space would not allow me to - THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

nERve-RackiNG wEEk... (II)

2005-06-01T18:49:00.000+08:00

It's Wednesday, still I haven't received any emails from HR regarding my application for a promotion... Yesterday, under a very weird circumstance, my mailbox became full and didn't receive any emails at all (I got 2 system administration notification for having my mailbox full). I am really anxious if those messages came from HR or not; but I am afraid to email them coz I don't want to give them the impression that I am already "that" anxious (indeed I am). I'm kinda torn between "damn if I don't, damn if I do" situation.... Aaarrrrgghhh!

I am on leave tomorrow, so it adds to the anxiety level of not seeing the emails... and it will be my rest day this coming Friday... I'll try to go here tomorrow and personally talk to the HR personnel to follow up my application... Awww....

This is really nerve-racking... waiting for something that you know, deep inside, that I will get the promotion... and my supervisors are expecting that I will get the promotion - as much as I don't want to assume or expect but part of me is telling me that I will get the job...

Can't breath.... got to breath... Arrrrgghhhh!

Breath in............................... Breath out.................. relax and take it slowly........................

How I spent my RD1...

2005-05-29T21:31:00.000+08:00

After my final interview, I went back to our office to talk to some of my close friends... after spending time with them - two of my good friends and I went to a food trip delight...

The three of us first went to Mcdonald's to purchase a burger - unfortunately no were burgers available when we went there... we therefore decided to eat 3M pizza... we bought the largest and let our teeth sink deep on the cheap but yummy pizza - oh, the memories of being young are suddenly remembered. We exchanged stories on how we have loved and tasted the famous 3M pizza.

After eating, I decided to spend the rest of my afternnon at the mall - luckily there was a sale of vcd in glorietta, and guess what, I was able to purchase the 5 episodes of starwars for only 75 pesos per 2 cds. That was my lucky day.

I then went to the cinemas to watch the House of Wax... I'm not really after the story or what, just want to see with my own eyes if Paris Hilton can act, and men, she DOESN'T know how (imagine why I am not surprised and dissappointed).

After reaching our house, I slept for couple of hours then woke up around 1 in the morning - wow, that was kind of long...

I emptied the contents of the bag that contains the 10 cd's of Star Wars saga and started to watch it - from the first episode up to the second... then I decided to let our tv and dvd player have some rest - damn its 4:30 in the morning already... got to take a bath since I have to go to my nephew's graduation... and since my nephew's house is far from us, I took the liberty of sleeping inside the bus...

nERve-RackiNG wEEk...

2005-05-18T19:01:00.000+08:00

I went to our website just minutes ago and saw that they have posted an ad for the position that I have applied for... Kinda makes me more depressed since I haven't received any email from our HR department regarding whether I passed the interview or not... I am just waiting for a confirmation letter regarding my "supposed" to be final interview with the head of the HR...

My interview last week went on fine... the HR manager told me that she'll schedule me for the final interview that will be conducted by our VP of HR by this week or before the month of June... Still no email received whether I passed or not...

This is nerve-racking... A lot of tension is already building up inside me... I really wanted to get the position because I know I will make a big difference in that position and I may be able to show my full potential in doing that work...

AaaaAArrRRgGGHHhh!!!!! Can't take this anymore... gotta breath, gotta breath.... BRRREEEAAAATHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh..............

I just talked to my cousin for some advice - she told me to relax and let the river take its course... Good to have an ate to talk to...

I looked again at the ad - then told myself I will leave it be and do my job later like or as if this is my last day....

It's really hard to remove frustration once you expect something... yes I was expecting something... that I will get the position because I know I am the best candidate for the position that I applied for...

But...

If I still doesn't get the job... life sucks but I just have to bear with it... I just don't want my friends to perceive me as someone who is a loser...

I'll get by... just give me couple of days...

Depression?

2005-05-11T09:46:00.000+08:00

Days seemed to be slow this past few weeks... I had my interview last Thursday afternoon for the promotion that I applied for... The interview took about 1 and a half hours...

After that interview, there was a mixed feelings of uncertainty and realization... uncertainty, because part of me wanted to be promoted for that position and I felt that I was not been able to express myself that much and I felt that out of 10, I only got a score of 7 - not a reassuring score that would make me feel that I passed the interview; realization, 'cause I know that the people in my account are ok and I very much, in a very different point of view, enjoy my work.

I don't find things pleasurable for some unknown reason... don't know if this is depression or what... I just don't feel like laughing, or smiling... Like I just want to be left alone... I just want to sleep...

Yup, this is me... but I'll get over this... give me couple of days...

Uncertainties

2005-05-11T09:45:00.000+08:00

I love you even if it seemed that I don't...
I will always be there although I may not be physically present...
I feel blue and miss you, although others may see me laughing and smiling...
I feel empty and helpless, even after all these achievements here in my life...

Because you are not here with us... with me...

I long for the warmth of your embrace...
The comfort of your voice...
The inspiration of your smiles had given me...
And the hope that I find in your eyes...

For you have left me... and my heart... and my love...

Farewells (II)

2005-05-02T10:14:00.000+08:00

Farewells are not the end... it is just a beginning of a new chapter...

I am not expecting these words to come from my mind, nor do I intend to feel depressed right now... guess I am not really used in getting a lot of pressure from different stimuli in my environment...

When I came to work this afternoon, a good friend of mine just informed me that he is quitting his job... I was caught in a surprise and the only thing that I was able to say was, "Dude, that's your decision..."

My friend, for the past months, has been deciding whether to stay in the job or to quit... his reason for quitting is valid - health concerns... For the past months, he's been complaining about his health condition, his heart and his blood pressure being unstable for most of the time within our shift. Lately, he had consolted a specialist about his condition and he is just waiting for the results of the tests.

Kind of sad to hear and to know that one great person that you came to know as a friend is leaving now... I hate goodbyes, whether its for a dear friend, a love one, a relative or the like, I hated it...

I really do... but I'll manage...

I just have to face the fact that people come and people go, you just have to make the most of the time that you spend together - be it during happy times or during tough occasions in your lives...

I am not being cheesy, I am just being human... guess I am vocal enough to admit that I hate goodbyes...

To you, Chris, my friend... Goodluck and Godspeed!

Love Changes Everything

2005-04-29T12:15:00.000+08:00

(Michael Ball)

Love, love changes everything

Hands and faces, earth and sky

Love, love changes everything

How you live and how you die

Love, can make the summer fly

Or a night seem like a lifetime

Yes love, love changes everything

Now I tremble at your name

Nothing in the world will ever be the same

Love, love changes everything

Days are longer, words mean more

Love, love changes everything

Pain is deeper than before

Love will turn your world around

And that world will last forever

Yes love, love changes everything

Brings you glory, brings you shame

Nothing in the world will ever be the same

Off into the world we go

Planning futures, shaping years

Love (comes in) and suddenly all our wisdom disappears

Love makes fools of everyone

All the rules we made are broken

Yes love, love changes everyone

Live or perish in its flame

Love will never never let you be the same

And The Story Continues...

2005-04-29T12:07:00.000+08:00

She was busy at her work, making calls to perspective employees of our company... I take my chance to get a glance of her doing her work... I am just 2 stations away from her...

When our eyes meet, I greeted her and waved at her; she smiled back and continued to do her work...

I constantly checked if she will be leaving or will be logging out from her shift... Timing is very important for this mission...

I approached my friend when I noticed that she is already packing away some of her things... My friend and I planned to go to the food station in our building and we would wait for her... Then she passed us... I immediately asked her, "Are you going home now? Coz we will be going to the *th floor, sabay ka na sa amin pababa..."

"Sige, I'll just get water," she said. I followed her with my eyes as she goes to the pantry...

My friend and I waited for a minute... then A joined us... we walked towards the elavator lobby when I started to asked for some personal questions...

She lives in Parañaque, leaves her house at 6, arrives her at the office by 8:30... Man, I feel like being tempted to switch to a morning shift just to see her...

Before we parted ways, I told her that I was checking my stuff and I was able to see a book that might interest her... told her that I will lend it to her... she seemed to be happy... (which also made me feel VERY happy)

Hhhhayyyy..... can't wait for tomorrow to come...

Another beautiful day...

2005-04-27T19:37:00.000+08:00

I came to the office today, the usual time... I saw her, I just waved and smiled at her... I tried my best not to be obvious... I was blushing when I saw her smile at me...

I went to my usual things - setting up my tools, giving corny jokes to my friends, browsing the internet, checking my email and the like... and sometimes, doing the "mga nakaw na sandali." I would try my best not be obvious that I am looking at her...

Ahhh.... hope this day wouldn't end... hope her shift would last a little longer... Hmmm... even so this is more than enough...

Then she approached me and asked for my number and email and birthday... she told me, "fill up mo naman ito, parang slum book!" God, those eyes and smiles will melt me any moment now....

Then, I asked for her number and her emal address... she gave it to me... I wrote it down on a piece of tissue paper (ok now, I feel embarassed now).

By the end of my shift, I should buy a 300 peso load... I should give my text life a chance...

It may be just infatuation, I don't want to call it love, still.... It sure feels good to be inspired...

I Take It All Back...

2005-04-26T11:13:00.000+08:00

The thing that I said awhile ago, about the things that don't work which is supposed to help the agents on the floor... I take it all back... Seems to be, things gets to be better - for now...

I don't know, I may be just feeling excited... but I never guessed this'll happen tonight... I saw her, "God, ang bait mo talaga!"

She was pretty... she was the one using the pc assigned for me to use... I approached her then politely asked her, "What time will you be finished? I have to prepare my tools for my shift this 8:30."

She smiled and told me, "Ay sori, never thought someone is assigned for this pc. Sige log-out na ako." She then started to exit the programs from the pc

I stammered, "Naku, hindi, ok lang... mamaya pa naman ako..." God, those eyes, I could melt any minute now...

"Ok lang me, sige set up na your tools..." she told me...

While setting up my tools we were talking about her job, my job... what she took in college and the like... She had plans of taking SPED in UP... God I have to go back in UP... Dept. of Education and Dept. of Psychology is just beside each other...

She's not only pretty but also intelligent... mind you, she took early childhood education... Seemed to be that we have the same wavelenght...

She offered me a bag of chips... I declined... (of course... hiya me...) but accepted her offer after she offered me three times... She smiled... God everything is beautiful right now...

While typing this, an excitement within me is all I could feel... My heart was pounding and I am having some hard time breathing...

Ang sarap talaga makaroon ng inspirasyon... period...

Something new???

2005-04-26T09:11:00.000+08:00

I came to the office, as usual, 4 hours early than my usual schedule... I came to see some familiar faces on the floor, some of them were good friends of mine (although one of them murdered me in his blog that I had just read). I went to greet the supes there, Sir Jimbo and Popsy...

I continued my usual "pestering" of my officemates - making my usual corny jokes (I just hate Cat's Life!), browsing the internet which should not be done and the like... I also tried to fill out an IJAF form, but for some reason from the universe and the heavens above I told myself that I'll finish this later with my supervisor...

Its like the first day of classes today, or a new season of a t.v. show, or whatever - my point is every team is new today - new members, new supe, new seating or station arrangement... what is not new is the feeling of going to work... Oops, no negative thoughts - tomorrow is my rest day...

My supposed to be station is still being occupied by by another person... how am I supposed to set up my tools that would help me become a more productive employee (yah right!).

One thing that I like being here in the office is the "mind-boggling" resolutions that was supposed to improve the performance of employees in their work... The fun part about this supposed-to-be improvement is they usually don't work or work against the proposed output...

I miss my friends now - Hummings and Echos, Cat's life (still hate you dude!), and the rest...

Well, that's it for now... later.... =)

On Farewells...

2005-04-16T09:23:00.000+08:00

I am not really a fan of change... I mean, when you get comfortable with people that you like and when the time comes that you have to part ways, it's really hard to take the truth that good things do end...

I've met a lot of people in my job, great people that is - we don't get along with each other most of the time, but man, if I am with them I enjoy my work on the floor... We sometimes share our sentiments and funny moments on the floor and I learn a lot from these people...

Well, thinking about this now, I'm not sure if they enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed theirs... I could only hope and wish, and it's not for me to discover or know - I'll leave that to them...

To you guys - THANKS!!!

I Hate Weddings (II)...

2005-04-12T07:11:00.000+08:00

Sunday...

It's 1:30 in the afternoon...

Location: In the dusty plains of South Superhi-way...

Temperature: I don't know, what I know we are under the blistering sun...

Weather: Damn winds blowing (windy day)

You may ask, "What the hell am I doing under the heat of the sun, standing on the dusty road of South superhi-way?" Actually, I am not alone... I am with my mom... Remember the wedding we are going to attend to... that is today... We already spent almost an hour in the heat of the sun waiting for our "sundo" to arrive. Yes, "sundo."

My mom and her friends have devised a "fool-proof" plan so that we would arrive on the wedding, hassle-free. So, with their brilliant minds they planned and talked over the phone where to meet. Now we are here...

No "sundo."

For almost an hour...

Then suddenly a man walked towards us then asked my mom if they are waiting for someone. Aha, there is a God, I told myself... To make it short, it turns out to be that the people who would be fetching us were waiting on the other side of the location.

Our adventure continues to piss me off - we got lost looking for the hidden church where the ceremony will be held. The person who made the map made a numerous mistakes - missing streets and blocks, wrong landmarks, etc...

At last, we have arrived! I stayed outside the church, much to mother's dismay - I explained to her that I am not supposed to enter the church, since my religion forbids me to attend or participates in such occasions (not the wedding ceremony, you idiot it's the mass). So the ceremony ended but the people inside still wouldn't want to leave... Outside, I could see them posing for different photo shoots - the brides family and friends, the grooms side, etc., etc... While they are doing those pictorial proceedures, in the background I could hear the wedding singers singing their hearts out - how I wished they could have practiced first. The lady who was singing the Regine Velasquez classic weddings songs numerously sung in flat notes... If I was the one paying for them to sing, I would have asked for a refund... As in totally the whole "romantic" feelings the songs should be giving was totally ruined...

After the wedding we immediately went to the reception - just the same, we have to do the "find the missing link" - thank God we were able to find it after 15 minutes of looking for the location...
The reception was held in a chinese restaurant - "Wow," I told my self, "They are big time."

So we entered and took our seats... Guests slowly filled the room... When everyone was comfortable sitting on their tables, someone went in front and announced something, "Hi this is ____, I am your host for the night, kasi young mc talaga natin hindi dumating... Pwede bang tumayo yung mga bisita sa table 7 and 8 kasi dapat diyan nakaupo ang mga bridesmaid at yung mga bestmen."

My God, I almost took my glass and almost threw it to him... You don't say that to the guests and let them feel unimportant... And as I thought I the insult is already done, wait till you hear his following lines...

"...hindi kasi namin ini-expect na marami ang dadalo ngayon... hindi naman lahat kasi ng ini-invite umaatend..."

He was a lousy host and a stupid MC - most of the things that he says are trash...

After the "traditional" ceremonies and the like, food was slowly being served - ah, another pain in the ass. The waitress served the soup from the serving bowl and carelessly placed them in the individual soup bowls - you could see how careless it was done - soup is being spilled on the center of the table and the waitress never even bothered to wipe it. The bowls themselves are smothered with soup on their sides.

Rice was then served - there were 10 people on each table and only one platter of rice was served - good for 6 - 8 people only... Then after 10 minutes of looking at our plates with rice, the viands were served - with the interval of 15 minutes per viand (there were 6 viands, so if you'll calculate people were able to eat comfortably after more than an hour). After almost all the viands were consumed, the waiters and waitresses served two platters of rice - for what??? I don't know, take home perhaps???

Then desserts were served... While we are still enjoying the desserts, one waitress started to go around on each table and began collecting the table napkins... I was shocked and dismayed - people are still eating and enjoying their meals and why the hell are you starting to collect the ones we are still using... I am really pissed off - If my life relied on referring this restaurant I am not even going to bother to save my life...

Aside from the food, what pisses me off is the fact that my mother's friends are starting to bug me - "_____ kailan ka pala mag-aasaw?" or "Sana mabigyan mo na ng apo yang mama mo..." or the worst is "Alam mo may kilala ako na dalaga, co-teacher namin." Arrghhh!!! I felt that I am being pimped in front of my mom.

The whole evening was a disaster, or perhaps I may have just perceived it that way... The bride and the groom, in all fairness, were too good to look at... Both of them are smilling and happy...

Well, maybe the reception, the location and other factors may be indeed a disaster - but not these couple that I shook hands with and congratulated before we left... I hope they live happily ever after (although I know this is a slim chance for anyone of us...)

But... still... I HATE WEDDINGS...

End of story...

I am the Dark Gatekeeper of Fire...

2005-04-09T18:31:00.000+08:00

"Why Dark Gatekeeper of Fire?"

Most of my friends have been asking me why I use this name most of the time... Well... I don't know, maybe because I believe that each one of us has a dark side or psyche and I just chose to give it a name just to acknowledge its presence... If some famous psychologist would always say that in every one of us there is an inner child waiting to be taken care of, I believe that in the very dark pits of our personality lies a dark entity waiting to be unleashed...

I chose to give him the name of Dark Gatekeeper of Fire - I love the element of fire because it is both warm and inviting and at the same time dangerous... As the Dark Gatekeeper, my kingdom is surrounded by the dark flames, not from hell, but from the dark souls of every people... My royal color is dark red, my holy animal the lion, my birthstone is the ruby, and my favorite pastime is watching chaos of other people... My ambition is to rule the world and destroy all those who oppose me, be it my loved ones and friends...

I know its scary, but that's the image that I have for the dark side of me... and I am just merely acknowledging it - so don't worry, he won't get unleashed to do some havoc...

Don't think I'm mad, I think I am as sane as you are, but then again, like what my great friend once told me, "How sure are you that you are not insane???

I rest my case...

I am me...

2005-04-08T17:18:00.000+08:00

I am not strong, I am just me
Punch me, hit me, hurt me
I will bleed, I will feel the pain
Look at me, I am no superhuman

I am not special, I am not different
From the people that you encounter
From your day to day existence
I am just one of them

But the moment I saw you
I saw a different light
I feel strong at the same time weak
I feel brave at the same time shaking

How I wish I could go further than that
I wish I could be more than a person
Who can see the world the two of us can make
I wish I could share those vision with you

If only I could... but I am just me...

Without You

2005-04-08T14:12:00.000+08:00

(Rent)

Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.

Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.

The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.

The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.

Without you, the stars roar the breezewarms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.

Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.

The crowds roar,the days soar, the babies cry, without you.

The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.

The world revives, colors renew, but I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.

Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.

Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.

Without you, the mind churns!

The heart yearns!

The tears dry, without you.

Life goes on, but I’m gone.

Cause I die, without you.

Without you.

Without you

I Hate Weddings

2005-04-08T13:12:00.000+08:00

This coming Sunday, my mom and I will be going to a wedding... my mom's co-teacher will be getting married to her long time boyfriend... To be honest with you, I am not a big fan of attending wedding parties - with all the hassles, all the guests wearing white, most women attending is wearing an inch thick of foundation in their faces, guests carrying huge crates of gifts (the last part is what I hate the most...)

I am escorting my mother to the wedding because I will be the one carrying the huge box of china that we bought as a wedding gift... I told my mother couple of times that she doesn't need to bring the gift on the wedding day itself - she can actually bring it before or after the wedding. The rationale for that is that no one wants to worry who will bring home the gifts after the wedding.

I really don't believe in marriages now - my mom and my auntie are now separated from their husbands. I don't see the point of spending a lot of money for somethng that doesn't give us the assurance of a happy ending. I always believe that marriage is not the "magic" that would bind two people together - its their love and respect...

I'm not being cheesy or being corney about this - its just that ... I hate weddings...

The Price of Loving...

2005-04-08T10:37:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we hurt the ones we love, eventhough we care for them

Sometimes take our friends for granted, eventhough they mean a lot to us

Sometimes we keep things to ourselves, eventhough we know it would only hurt us

Sometimes we have to say goodbye, even if we don't want to...

We have to move on, because it might be the only way to grow...

We have to let go, even if its hard to do...

Because sometimes it is the price we have to pay for loving...

The Pain of loving someone

2005-04-06T23:54:00.000+08:00

I looked away, tried to ignore the pain
But the more I deny it, the more it hurts
It's funny or even pathetic when you realize
That the person you love cannot return
The love that you can offer to her

I saw them walking hand in hand
I could see in her eyes the joys she'll never find in me
I could hear her laughter made not by me
I can feel the warmth and glow of her love
But alas, they were not meant for me

I said I could move on
I've said I'm done and I have accepted it all
But why does it still hurts when I see them
Why do I still love her, why do I still care for her
When I know she only sees me as no one

Wish things would change
Wish everything would start all over again
Wish fate would be kinder when time turns back
To the moment her heart had fallen in love
But all I could do is wish...

Songs about Life, Hope and Cynicisms....

2005-04-02T18:01:00.000+08:00

I've been lisiting to my cd collection for the past few weeks and I just noticed the contents of the music that I listen to... most of them is about life and how life sucks, some of them is about having faith and hope that there will be a better tomorrow, while the remaining some is about realization of what life is really is about....

Just to share here are some of the lyrics of the songs that I've been listening to:

"...I believed in miracles (once upon a time)
I believed love would conquer all (once upon a time)
I believed anything was possible... now once upon a time has never felt more right..."

- Once upon a Time (Bklyn)

"...Life is like a shooting star, and here is where it's falling...."
-Brooklyn in the Blood (Bklyn)

"How Could A Night So Frozen Be So Scalding Hot?
How Can A Morning This Mild Be So Raw?
Why Are Entire Years Strewn On The Cutting Room Floor Of Memory
When Single Frames From One Magic Night Forever Flicker In Close-Up On The 3D Imax Of My mind
That's Poetic That's Pathetic..."
- Halloween (Rent)

"The Heart May Freeze Or It Can Burn
The Pain Will Ease If I Can Learn
There Is No Future There Is No Past
I Live This Moment As My Last ..."
- Another Day (Rent)

"There's Only Here
Give In To Love Or Live In Fear
No Other Path No Other Way
No Day But Today!"
- Finale B (Rent)

"From Facing Your Failure,
Facing Your Loneliness
Facing The Fact You Live A Lie
Yes, You Live A Lie - Tell You Why
You're Always Preaching Not To Be Numb
When That's How You Thrive
You Pretend To Create And Observe
When You Really Detach From Feeling Alive ..."
- Goodbye Love (Rent)

"I Think They Meant It
When They Said You Can't Buy Love
Now I Know You Can Rent It
A New Lease You Were, My Love, On Life
All My Life I've Longed To Discover Something As True As This Is..."
- I'll Cover You (Rent)

"To Days Of Inspiration, Playing Hookey,
Making Something Out Of Nothing,
The Need To Express - To Communicate,
To Going Against The Grain, Going Insane,
Going Mad To Loving Tension, No Pension To More Than One Dimension,
To Starving For Attention, Hating Convention, Hating Pretension,
Not To Mention Of Course, Hating Dear Old Mom And Dad
To Riding Your Bike, Midday Past The Three Piece Suits-
To Fruits - To No Absolutes- To Absolut - To Choice-
To The Village Voice- To Any Passing Fad To Being An Us -
For Once- Instead Of A Them- "
-La Vie Boheme (Rent)

"Fear's My Life!
Look - I Find Some Of What You Teach Suspect
Because I'm Used To Relying On Intellect
But I Try To Open Up To What I Don't Know
Because Reason Says I Should Have Died Three Years Ago..."
- Life Support (Rent)

"Will I Lose My Dignity Will Someone Care Will I Wake Tomorrow From This Nightmare?"
- Will I? (Rent)

Well... that's it for now... I'm still savoring the messages kept in the lyrics of these songs... I'll try to post some more in the futre...

People from your past whom you don't want to see again

2005-04-02T00:05:00.000+08:00

Until recently I met someone from my past... a person whom I wish never even existed...

Don't judge me or hate me... I just don't feel comfortable seeing her again - its been a year since we last seen each other. We never parted ways in "good" goodbyes - I can still remeber the feelings - the betryal, the hurt feelings and the angsts...

My friends and I were in the mall waiting for one of our barkadas to arrive. All of us were laughing... I then suddenly stopped laughing when I saw her, smilling at me, approaching me. She asked for my cell number - told her I had none. She asked me where I am staying - told her I am staying in my mom's house. She told me she'll give me a call.

How I wish I never saw her again... I don't want to talk to her or to her relatives - I just want to move on... To me, she is just a part of the past, a person with no name and face... I just don't want to be involved anymore with her or anything that is related with her... what was with us before has ended and should remain closed...